Fan Emails for Troy/Jeremy

Fan Emails in Memory of Troy/Jeremy

Since my tribute for Troy "Jeremy Scott" Myers has been haunting the Internet, a number of his fans have shared their memories of him and what he has meant to them, thus bringing Troy to life for me via new vivid dimensions. In the spirit of a séance to raise Troy like a phoenix from the ashes to his full glory in cyberspace, I present to you (with total permission) the emails I've so far received regarding him. This cyber-séance includes visitations from Troy's cousin, Troy's mother, and even his first director, William Higgins. Yes, each of us has the power to bring the dead back to life through our thoughts of them, just as we relive someone we've interacted with only moments before. Read on and enjoy Troy/Jeremy even more!

[Note: I will be updating these memories of Troy/Jeremy with new emails from his friends and fans as they come, so be sure to check back from time to time.]

From: "Brian C." <email@address.com>
Date: 14 novembre 2004 03:58:45 HNEC
To: <brianayres@tiscali.fr>
Subject: tribute to troy myers

Hi, Brian--

I just read your tribute to Troy Myers (a.k.a. Jeremy Scott) and it took my right back to 1980. The first porn magazine I bought featured some extremely hot pictures of Buster by a pool. I can remember the exhilarating, heady feeling like it was yesterday. The first porn movie I saw, just months later, was a clip from Pacific Coast Highway, with Jeremy Scott and Kip Noll going at it in a Jeep with another hot guy with a big dick. I instantly fell in lust with Jeremy Scott--and your tribute made me want to love him. I now feel like I am missing a best friend, and I wish I could go back in time and protect him from the virus he caught at such a young age. You are a very talented writer, and I wish you all the best. I am saying a prayer for Jeremy and Buster --and you--tonight.

Brian C.

From: "Brian C." <email@address.com>
Date: 16 novembre 2004 05:45:41 HNEC
To: <brianayres@tiscali.fr>
Subject: Re: Re:tribute to troy myers

Hi, Brian--

Part 2 sounds incredibly interesting, based upon the teaser in
your reply. Keep me posted please!

I grew up in Columbus, Ohio, and I still live here. I just turned 40 and
recently ended my first relationship with a guy (he is 24). It took me a
little longer than you to figure things out! I convinced myself that I was
bi all these years (despite my interest in gay porn starting at age 18) and
focused on my hetero component. Then last summer, I got the nerve to ask a
hot guy at a gay bar for his phone number. I called him, we met, and great
things happened. The bi theory was quickly proven to be false.
Unfortunately, the maturity (not age) gap became too difficult to overcome.
Now I'm just hanging out and getting my mind set for a new adventure.

From the PCH clip onward, Jeremy Scott always made me swoon. I remember
the scene from Class of '84 (Part 1) when his dick seemed to literally explode
through the screen. I wish I could find his movies on DVD! This might be a
difficult or inappropriate question, but, if you don't mind, what do you think
are his best scenes?

Thanks for replying and giving me a preview of Part 2. I'm sorry that things
got so complicated in your first relationship, but it sounds like you have
overcome your hurt feelings with beautiful memories. Looking forward
to hearing from you.

All the best
--Brian

----- Original Message -----
From: <brianayres@tiscali.fr>
To: "Brian C." <email@address.com>
Sent: Monday, November 15, 2004 6:03 AM
Subject: Re:tribute to troy myers

Thank you, dear Brian Cook, thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, Troy invited me to the premiere of Pacific Coast Highway. That's how I found out about what he'd been up to. In part 2 of the tribute for him, I plan to go into all that. He'd begun his porno career while we were together, keeping it a secret from me. While I was at work in a motor home park, Troy was on his first film shoot--shooting and shooting. You know, I don't think it would've bothered me so much if he'd told me what he was up to. I might've been intrigued. As for Kip Knoll, I remember sitting with him on a couch at a gay burlesque in NYC. He wanted to have sex with me but I was there to see Troy. Kip was very sweet, though. Seemed like a good, genuine person. I'm pretty sure Troy gave Kip the diamond ring I had given to him. At least to wear in their first (I think) film together. Well, you've got me warmed up to write down some more memories.

I really do appreciate your taking the time to email me. And your saying a prayer for us warms my heart. If you don't mind my asking, where abouts do you live? In fact, I'd be interested in knowing more about you.

Thanks, again!

Wishing you the very best,

Brian Ayres

From: "Brian C." <email@address.com>
To: <brianayres@tiscali.fr>
Date: Sat, 13 Nov 2004 21:58:45 -0500
Subject: tribute to troy myers

Hi, Brian--

Brian C.

From: “Chris” <email@address.com>
Date: 21 novembre 2004 16:19:45 HNEC
To: brianayres@tiscali.fr
Subject: Hi Brian...

Hi, Brian!

My name is Chris. I am a 36 yr. old gay man and live in Atlanta, GA. I just wanted to drop you a few lines to say hi and to tell you that your tribute to Troy Myers/"Jeremy Scott" was really well-written and it really moved me. I am looking forward to your next entry. I want to find out how you and Troy ended up breaking up and losing touch. I was really sad to see on the Charon's Ferry page that Troy died in 1994. I am also curious to find out when and how you found out about his passing. That is just so sad. Did you ever find out anything about his life after the two of you broke up?? It's just really tragic. Again, I just wanted to tell you how much your story of how you and Troy met really touched me. I hope you will be posting your next "chapter" soon. I also hope that you are doing well and are happy. How did you end up in Paris?? Take care, man!

Chris

From: “Chris” <email@address.com>
Date: 25 novembre 2004 16:33:54 HNEC
To: brianayres@tiscali.fr
Subject: Happy Turkey!!!

Brian,

Hello!! It's Chris in Atlanta. Happy Thanksgiving, pal! It's Thursday morning, here in the U.S., and I'm, quite frankly, HUNG-OVER!! GRRR! Last night my roommate and I went out with some friends and took advantage of not having to go to work today. BOY, I'm payin' for it this morning! LOL I think I may be getting too old for this! ANYWAY, it is great to receive your email. I appreciate your taking the time to send me a personal email, and I really enjoyed - and am intrigued/mesmerized by - hearing about your history with Troy. I can't wait to read your next installment. I know it had to come as a horrible surprise when you learned that he had passed away. I am really, really sorry about that. It's so sad. But, it sounded like Troy really wanted to leave his mark on this world...and he did. His star might have shone briefly, but it shined bright. On videotape...and now dvd....he will remain immortal, always young and beautiful. I was born in a later era (1968) and it's just so sad that gay guys before me were not equipped with the information regarding taking the necessary precautions to avoid disease that we are today. I mean, hell - I was lucky myself. I was a teenager back in the 80's...back when they first diagnosed and started discussing the causes of AIDS, so I could have easily gotten it myself if I had come out that early. I was a late bloomer - I didn't come out until the early 90's when I was, like, 21 - in the ARMY, no less!! Sooo, I already knew the dangers of barebacking back then. You guys before me didn't have the luxury of having that information, and it's just really sad how many guys were lost to that disease. I have always been, however, intrigued by those early days of porn. Everything was so much more real, natural, joyful, not staged. You talked about Kip Knoll. He is one of my favorite performers from that time! According to Charon's Ferry, it appears that he is still living. I'm really glad to hear that. I just wish that Troy were still around too. Again, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my email. I look forward to reading your next excerpt!! I love France, by the way! My ex lives in Paris. I spent the entire summer of '95 in Paris with him and it was incredible, romantic, unforgettable. I am very happy for you that you have found happiness and are living a wonderful life! Take care of yourself. Let me hear from you again, okay?

Happy Thanksgiving. I've gotta nurse this hangover and get my ass ready to eat some turkey!!

Sincerely,
Chris

From: “David B.” <email@address.net> (R T)
Date: 12 janvier 2005 05:17:12 HNEC
To: brianayres@tiscali.fr
Subject: Jeremy Scott

Please finish your tribute to Troy/Jeremy at that gay archives
site....or via an email....

I met him briefly - twice, in 1982 in New York City. I took some photos
of him (face shots) for a portrait I drew. It was one of my best. I
sent it to him in Tustin, CA where he lived at the time. He was very
pleased with it. I was invited to his 21st birthday party in LA but
couldn't afford to make the trip from NYS. Was very disappointed.

We spoke on the phone twice thereafter. He never paid for the portrait.
Over time I forgave him for that, as I knew that someone in his business
had a brief time in the spotlight and he may have had financial
setbacks.

Always hoped we'd meet again. Just recently I learned he had died,
though the cause and circumstances and location are unclear. Any info
you may have would be appreciated.

David B.

From: "brianayres@tiscali.fr" <brianayres@tiscali.fr>
Date: 11 février 2005 20:49:50 HNEC
To: "David B." <email@address.net>
Subject: Re: Jeremy Scott

Thank you, dear David, thank you so much for your kind words. You know, Troy invited me to the premiere of Pacific Coast Highway. That's how I found out about what he'd been up to. In part 2 of the tribute for him, I plan to go into all that. He'd begun his porno career while we were together, keeping it a secret from me. While I was at work in a motor home park, Troy was on his first film shoot--shooting and shooting. You know, I don't think it would've bothered me so much if he'd told me what he was up to. I might've been intrigued. Later on, I remember sitting with Kip Knoll on a couch at a gay burlesque in NYC. Kip wanted to have sex with me but I was there to see Troy. Kip was very sweet, though. Seemed like a good, genuine person. I'm pretty sure Troy gave Kip the diamond ring I had given to him at the beginning of our relationship. At least to wear in their first (I think) film together (it can be seen on Kip's finger). Well, you've got me warmed up to write down some more memories.

I really do appreciate your taking the time to email me. I'll keep you posted about part 2, where your questions will be answered. By the way, in case you're wondering, Troy died of an AIDS related illness. Back then, not even the porno stars ever thought sex could be so deadly. Back then we all saw sex as fun and nothing to worry about. I was lucky. Most of my friends hadn't been.

Warmly yours,

Brian Ayres

From: "David B." <email@address.net> (R T)
Date: 25 février 2005 06:08:54 HNEC
To: brianayres@tiscali.fr
Subject: Re: Jeremy Scott

Brian,

Thank you for your email of the 11th. Of course your personal
relationship with Troy (to me Jeremy, although I knew his real name)
was on a totally different level than my 2 brief encounters with him.
And at the risk of making you feel a bit uncomfortable, it must be said
that he provided a great deal of vicarious pleasure through those films
and videos to many guys, myself included. I was always a porno
afficionado and he was my favorite "star". The curly-haired boy next
door look - his smooth slim physique and yes, his remarkable endowment
- not to mention the sometimes astonishing orgasms.

You may be right in that at times he seemed disconnected to what he was
doing, yet he also seemed to enjoy performing.

In any event, I was doing some work for friends in the NYC area I when
saw an ad that he was appearing at the Gaiety burlesque in the city --
this was in Feb. or early March of '82 (perhaps the time you mentioned
in your email? ....though Kip was not on the bill). I thought it would
be cool to see him in person and perhaps interest him in my drawing a
portrait of him.

I waited outside the theater after being told when he'd be returning for
the next show and sure enough, after awhile he walked down the street
and entered the theater. I introduced myself without trying to make him
think I was some kind of obsessed groupie (!) and he was very friendly
and responsive. I showed him some of my work and he agreed to let me
take some photos of his face to work from. He told me he was going to
Florida for a vacation (as was I within a week or so!), and I thanked
him and told him I'd be in touch. I stayed for the show....

It was months later - August - when after a few phone calls he told me
he'd be in the city again and we'd meet so I could show him the
portrait. He was staying in the village with someone and I met him
there. He was not happy with the portrait (nor was I completely -- the
lighting conditions for the pics I shot were not the best), but it was a
fair resemblance. In any event I said I'd draw another if I could shoot
some additional photos - this time outside under better natural light.
He was lightly tanned from time on Long Island beaches and looked
especially appealing.

Within a few weeks I drew the second portrait and I knew it was VERY
good. I called him after he returned CA. and arranged to send it to him
and told him my fee. He called me after receiving it and was very pleased
and enthusiastic this time. Shortly thereafter I was sent an invitation to
his 21st birthday party at an L.A. area club. I called him and told I'd love
to attend but couldn't afford the trip. He encouraged me to try and said it
would be a great party and he would even put my portrait on display and
perhaps generate more commissions for me.

He said he was trying to set up his own gay film company and we discussed
my designing a logo and some graphics featuring him.

He promised to send a check in payment for the picture. I wasn't able to go
to the party and after a number of weeks, I called him to inquire about the
portrait fee and once more he said it would be forthcoming, but I never
heard from him again. I suspect he may have been having some financial
problems and can imagine he may have been taken advantage of by some
people....just a guess.

I have photographs of the portrait and the original drawings related to his
never formed business -- which I'd sent him copies of.

So in a nutshell that sums up my encounters with the famous Jeremy Scott
-- Troy over 20 years ago.

Hope I didn't bore or offend you. Must admit I'd hoped somewhere along
the line I might have had a more intimate encounter with him but it
didn't happen. During that period I had numerous and very hot
experiences with a lot of young sexy guys, but always regretted I didn't
make it to the birthday party -- I mean a gathering of the hottest gay
porno actors in LA!!?? lol

Thanks again for your email. When you get the time to finish you
tribute, please let me know so I can visit the site and read it.

David

P.S.
It was a bit of a surprise that AIDS played a part in his tragic passing
-- in later vids he always used protection -- though the whole epidemic
seems to have had its genesis in the US around '77 or '78 as I
understand it. It was very sad news and you have my most belated
condolences at losing someone who was once so significant in your life.

I've wondered whatever happened to the portrait. I hope it is in the
possession of his family or a loved one. It was one of my best pieces
of work in pastel.

From: "Dan W." <email@address.com>
Date: 21 septembre 2005 08:55:28 HAEC
To: <brianayres@tiscali.fr>
Subject: Your story about Troy Andrew Myers...

Dear Mr. Ayres,

I read your story about Troy Andrew Myers, if it was you who wrote it. I was moved about how you described so eloquently, your love and care for this man. I do hope that you will finish the rest of your story about your life with Troy, not for my reading sake, but because Troy's memory still lives on. Do you know of Troy's final resting place? Is it in California? If so, I would like to place some roses there in his memory...

Sincerely,

Dan W.

From: "brianayres@tiscali.fr" <brianayres@tiscali.fr>
Date: 29 septembre 2005 10:33:53 HAEC
To: "Dan W." <email@address.com>
Subject: Re:Your story about Troy Andrew Myers...

Dear Mr. Dan W.,

Thank you so much for your warm, encouraging email. Yes, I'm nearing completion of Twinkle, Twinkle Porno Star, Part Two, and will be sending it to have put up soon. In part two I'm answering the many questions I've received regarding Troy (Jeremy). There'll also be a photo of us together taken in my cousin's funeral parlor in Indiana after we visited James Dean's grave together. Troy's dad had bleached our hair blond, giving me a perm, which was quite daring for young men to do back then (we were ahead of our time, but seen only as queer).

In regards to Troy's final resting place, I'm not sure. I do know that he was cremated in Rockford, Illinois, where he died in the arms of his lover.

Wishing you the very best,

Brian Ayres

From: "Peter Hansen" <email@address.com>
Date: 16 décembre 2005 05:53:51 HNEC
To: brianayres@tiscali.fr
Subject: A Tribute to Troy Andrew Myers

Dear Brian Ayres

I just wanted to thank you very much for sharing the story of your first love with Jeremy Scott, or as I have learned he was called in real life Troy Andrew Myers.

In your story you write that: "But I don't think it ever really was Troy's. He just wanted to be a star. To matter. To be remembered."

Well, I just want to tell you that Troy mattered to me in my life. I know it sounds very strange coming form someone who never knew him.

Let me explain:

When I was about 19 years old, I was very unsure of my own sexuality. I really tied hard to only look at the girls whenever I saw a porno movie, but that just didn't get me going, well you know what I mean.

More and more I had the urge to see two guys have sex. My only problem in this regard was, that I didn't have any way to get hold of a gay XXX movie.

Then this once time in the backroom of a video store, I found a copy of an old gay porn movie called "The Dirty Picture Show". I thought to myself: I have to see this, if not for any other reason, then I might get some certainty regarding my sexuality. So I stole the video (it is true, I didn't dare rent it) and took it home with me to watch.

The movie was REALLY bad, and after watching it I was even more confused then before. But, after the movie had ended there were some trailers from other old gay porn movies. The first trailer was from "The Class of 1984" and the first thing I saw was Jeremy, sorry Troy, and at that moment I knew I was gay!

So beautiful and sexy, his blond hair, blue eyes, slim body and of course his big dick and hot butt:-) I was a 100 % gay from that point onwards. Troy was in my jerk off sessions and my dreams many a times since then.

I still have the movie and sometimes watch the trailers (there were also trailers from some of his other films, which I since have bought).

My boyfriend thinks it is strange that I like that old porn, but he doesn't understand the significant of the trailers for me, and my acceptance of my own sexuality. Whenever I was watch them I am taken right back to the moment when it hit me: You are gay.

So, Troy got what he wanted he "mattered" and he lives on, at least in my mind and sometimes also in my fantasies.

I don't know if you can use this for anything, but I just had to tell you.
I am really looking forward to the next chapter in your story with Troy.

All the best.

Peter, 24 years, Denmark.

From: Peter Hansen <email@address.dk>
Date: 27 décembre 2005 00:45:09 HNEC
To: brianayres@tiscali.fr
Subject: Jeremy Scott

Dear Brian Ayres

I just wanted to thank you very much for sharing the story of your first love with Jeremy Scott, or as I have learned he was called in real life Troy Andrew Myers.

In your story you write that: "But I don't think it ever really was Troy's. He just wanted to be a star. To matter. To be remembered."

Well, I just want to tell you that Troy mattered to me in my life. I know it sounds very strange coming form someone who never knew him.

Let me explain:

When I was about 19 years old, I was very unsure of my own sexuality. I really tied hard to only look at the girls whenever I saw a porno movie, but that just didn't get me going, well you know what I mean.

More and more I had the urge to see two guys have sex. My only problem in this regard was, that I didn't have any way to get hold of a gay XXX movie.

Then this once time in the backroom of a video store, I found a copy of an old gay porn movie called "The Dirty Picture Show". I thought to myself: I have to see this, if not for any other reason, then I might get some certainty regarding my sexuality. So I stole the video (it is true, I didn't dare rent it) and took it home with me to watch.

The movie was REALLY bad, and after watching it I was even more confused then before. But, after the movie had ended there were some trailers from other old gay porn movies. The first trailer was from "The Class of 1984" and the first thing I saw was Jeremy, sorry Troy, and at that moment I knew I was gay!

So beautiful and sexy, his blond hair, blue eyes, slim body and of course his big dick and hot butt:-) I was a 100 % gay from that point onwards. Troy was in my jerk off sessions and my dreams many a times since then.

I still have the movie and sometimes watch the trailers (there were also trailers from some of his other films, which I since have bought).

My boyfriend thinks it is strange that I like that old porn, but he doesn't understand the significant of the trailers for me, and my acceptance of my own sexuality. Whenever I was watch them I am taken right back to the moment when it hit me: You are gay.

So, Troy got what he wanted he "mattered" and he lives on, at least in my mind and sometimes also in my fantasies.

I don't know if you can use this for anything, but I just had to tell you.
I am really looking forward to the next chapter in your story with Troy.

All the best.

Peter, 24 years, Denmark.

From: Peter Hansen <email@address.dk>
Date: 29 décembre 2005 02:24:34 HNEC
To: "brianayres@tiscali.fr" <brianayres@tiscali.fr>
Subject: SV: Re:Jeremy Scott

Dear Brian

Thank you very much for your kind answer. You are more than welcome to include my mail and full name in the 2 part of the tribute. When will the 2 part be online? I can't wait!

And other thing, do you know what Troy's first film was?

I have a lot of other questions, but I am not sure if you have the time and energy to answer them?

All the best,

Peter

From: brianayres@tiscali.fr
Subject: Re:SV: Re:Jeremy Scott
Date: 30 décembre 2005 11:25:27 HNEC
To: Peter Hansen <email@address.dk>

Greetings, Peter!

This link will take you to Troy's first film:
http://www.friskyfans.org/reviews/classof84part1.htm

It's what broke us up. He'd gotten involved with William Higgins and his gang in 1979 and started filming Class of '84 in the summer. I didn't realize this until I saw the movie. There were clues. But his personality changed. He started acting like the star of all stars. Became very secretive. I didn't know what was going on with him. Then I came home from work one evening and caught him in our bed with a guy. I was new at having a lover and didn't give Troy a second chance. I moved out immediately and that was the end. We stayed in touch from time to time. He'd invited me to the Hollywood premiere of Class of '84 part two. That was an experience that later led to Kip Knoll trying to pick up on me at a gay burlesque in New York City where he and Troy were the star strippers.

Happy New Year!

Warmly yours,

Brian

From: Peter Hansen <email@address.dk>
Date: 31 décembre 2005 00:55:40 HNEC
To: "brianayres@tiscali.fr" <brianayres@tiscali.fr>
Subject: SV: Re:SV: Re:Jeremy Scott

Hi Brian

First, thank you very much for your answers. I really appreciate it!

I thought that “Class of 84” was his first film, I just wanted to be sure.
How did he get involved with Mr. Higgins? And what was he like?
What did Troy's parents say when they found out about his filming?
Who was the guy you caught him in bed with? One of his co. stars?
I always thought that Kip Noll was only gay for pay!!! Very interesting!!!!
Was he and Troy friends in real life? I have some personal questions too:
Was Troy mostly a top or bottom in real life? What did he like to do in bed?
(You don't have to answer, I understand if you don't want to.) One final
question (for now); WHY did he start making porn?? And did he ever regret it?

I really hope the 2 part will be ready in February.

Happy New Year!

Yours,

Peter

From: "josh" <email@address.com.au>
Date: 3 mars 2006 19:57:33 HNEC
To: <brianayres@tiscali.fr>
Subject: re tribute

Hi,

Quite by accident I recently found and read your tribute to your first lover. Having no idea who Jeremy Scott was and not being a fan of gay porn stars, I must admit I was totally moved by the honesty and sincerity of which you describe your relationship. It was like I was there actually watching your love unfold and progress into something which, in my opinion, is very precious.

From reading your tribute, two things became clear. You truly loved this person and secondly you managed to place a human face to what many people would only consider a human sex toy. Such an innocent life is the picture I got when reading this tribute and one has to ask how did it come to this? Not even entering middle age but taken away from this world prematurely and, if I gather correctly, you didn't even know they had passed ten years before you wrote this. This was totally heart wrenching. To think that someone who considered and knew they were soulmates, wasn't even present when they left this world.
Your tribute also brought back memories of the time I fell in love. Memories I have tried to forget but came flooding back when you described the pain of being in love and feelings that go with it. I no longer can deny this no matter how much it still hurts.

Love came to me in late highschool. It started when this girl arrived at highschool. She was quite different to the other girls at school and I was quite different to the other guys at school, so we became friends. Very soon she was all I could think about and we became quite inseparable. At the same time I became quite popular for some reason, and people would tease me about this relationship, especially this one guy in particular. His name was Sam and he was quite unlike any friend I ever had or would think of having. He was tall and big with a muscular frame. I on the other hand was small and looked quite awkward. Half way through the first term, the girl had to leave. Crushed by this, I tried to continue the friendship outside of school but we eventually drifted apart. It was at this time that love came.

It's funny how things can happen and you don't even know it. It started with Sam sitting next to me in class. Since most of my classes were with him he practically almost would always sit next to me. I never thought this strange but rather cool that someone like him would want to hang out with me. Then unbeknownst to me, he started to flirt with me. I never really knew what this was, as no one had ever flirted with me before. It wasn't until later on that it really hit me. The part in your story where you describe lovelorn glances exactly describes how he would look at me. Even when we didn't sit together, I could still feel his gaze burning the back of my head. From then on I couldn't stop thinking about him. It even made me physically sick to sometimes sit next to him. So I tried to deny these feelings and became hostile towards him. I began to ignore him, intent on sabotaging the friendship. It worked for a while but then he would just keep coming back and I would become even more hostile in an attempt to purge myself of any feelings I had towards him -- to make the pain go away.

One day I was sitting outside the school waiting to be picked up when he came right up and sat directly across from me. The look he gave me almost made me die. It was as if he had reached deep within my soul and pulled my heart out to expose it for all it was worth. He then asked, “Why don't you like me anymore?”

Foolishly I gave some lame excuse as to I was depressed or something to that nature. I couldn't tell him the truth, couldn't tell him that I was in love with him and needed to deny myself these feelings I had for him so I could at least go on living a normal life.

From that day on I tried to lead this normal life whilst still maintaining a friendship with Sam. Eventhough nothing sexual ever happened between us it was just the little things that occurred that said to me that somehow he knew what I knew, I loved him. Hugs that would last a little too long, thinly disguised as some sort of male bonding thing; knees touching too close while sitting together in class, these are just some of the things that occurred that made it more evident that he knew what I knew. Even when we were out amongst friends and I would go and sit somewhere secluded away from the crowd, five minute later he would be either next to me or sitting across from me. It was as if I had some sort of magnetic pull and he would follow me wherever I would go.

At the end of highschool I decided to lay it all out on the line. I knew that we would be going our separate ways and possibly never going to see each other again. There was an end of year party, I managed to get him away from all of the others and just basically blurted out all my feelings. I told him how much I will miss him, how much his friendship meant to me and all the things he had given me and that I truly loved him. The response I got was hardly one that I expected. I could tell that he was uncomfortable with what had been said. He basically just echoed what I had said without the critical part that showed me how he felt about me. I was crushed, here I had confessed my love for another man and become emotionally naked in the process. Now I had nowhere to hide. Since that day I have become very reluctant to let anyone know how I feel about them to save me from the embarrassment of being rejected or worse yet denying they even feel the same way.

It was a year later, I had gone of to university and the pain of that fateful night had slowly dissipated until it was nothing more than just a faint numbness. I rarely went out and decided to concentrate on my studies. My flatmate at the time was hardly ever at home so basically I was boarding by myself. One weekend night the phone rang, it was Sam. There was a party in the background and he was obviously drunk. He started to say how much he missed me and how he wishes I was there. I jokingly gave him the same replies, never once letting him realize that I was overjoyed to hear from him. I played it cool the whole way. Shortly afterwards, the pain came back and I had to do something about it. I wrote a letter, detailing my feelings for him and how I felt we could never be together. I burnt it and scattered the ashes in the back yard. It was a cathartic experience.

I've often wondered why he could never reveal his true feelings to me. Perhaps it was because we went to a Christian school and his parents were devout Christians themselves so a relationship like ours would be considered a sin. But I've never seen it like this. All I've seen is that I fell in love with someone who gave me something in my life that was missing. Like you said ' the loneliness is gone', my loneliness also went and like you I fell in love. I didn't ask for it happen it just did. Even if we were never sexually intimate, just to hold each others hands or just to sleep next to each other would have been all I needed. I still to this day imagine him next to me, holding me or us holding each other. But I know it can never be. So when I read the pain you experienced when the relationship between you and Troy broke apart, I too could relate to how if felt.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that although I not a fan of gay porn stars, I am a fan of love and love is what I saw here. To actually write to a total stranger and reveal such intimate details about oneself is frightening, but when the same stranger bears their soul to the world in such an honest and forthwright manner it is commendable and shouldn't go unnoticed. Your story is universal and although to some unconventional, the feelings are still the same. The feelings of falling in love, joy of being in love and then the pain of losing the love, it's all the same. Whether it's between man and woman, woman and woman or man and man we all experience the same feelings and we all experience the same pain. I never thought I would fall in love with a man, yet I did and because of it I have experienced one of the most powerful yet painful emotions on this planet few will ever experience.

So my gift to you is just to let you know that your story matters. It struck a chord with me and I will forever probably never forget that fateful day in California when you met your soulmate and the lovestory that unfolded. The tragedy of this whole story is that you never even got to say goodbye. I suppose I could say that time heals all wounds, but in reality it doesn't. It's going on ten years since this last happened to me and the pain is still as fresh as if it were yesterday.

I hope this letter receives you in good spirits. Thank you once again for sharing your story it really brought back many memories, many of which I have kept hidden away from the world. Even though Troy is gone from this world, his memory will live on as I will always remember the innocent image of a young boy and the time in which he entered your life to make it whole.

Josh

From: “Thomas” <email@address.de>
Date: 11 avril 2006 22:41:54 HAEC
To: brianayres@tiscali.fr
Subject: Tribute to Troy Myers

Dear Brian,

thank you very much for sharing your experience with Troy and your deep
feelings!

I was born in 1965. When I was a student, I somehow got a video tape with
Troy on it. He was really very special! For me he has always been the
sexiest man I could think of. You are glad to have known him in person and
private.

It really made me said when I today read that Troy died at the beginning of
his thirties in 1994. I checked page after page in the internet to get more
information about him. And that was the way I found your story. It deeply
touches me ... the never ending love you feel for him.

With love and respect.
Thomas from Germany

P.S.: Would appreciate to read part II .

From: “Thomas” <email@address.de>
Date: 19 avril 2006 23:12:28 HAEC
To: "brianayres@tiscali.fr" <brianayres@tiscali.fr>
Subject: Re:Tribute to Troy Myers

Dear Brian,

thank you for answering my mail! I feel honoured!

I made the page my welcomepage, when opening the browser. So I won´t miss
part two.

Good to hear that you are busy with your job in times of many unemployed
people.

You look very sympathetic on the pic that you put on the page, too. I hope
you are well!

Feel embraced!
With love

Thomas

From: "William Higgins" <email@address.com>
Date: 6 juin 2006 11:15:03 HAEC
To: <brianayres@tiscali.fr>
Subject: FW: Dear William Higgins

Hi, Brian:

Great to hear from you.

Well, I hate to admit this, but I don't remember how Troy and I met. It's
been so long ago. I am sure if someone who was around at the time would say
something to jog my memory, it would all come pouring out. However, I've
been away from America for a long, long time and have completely lost touch
with all the folks who 'were present at the creation.'

I wish I could be more helpful to you. At the moment, I just can't remember
the details.

Do you live in France?

Sincerely,

William Higgins

From: “Kevin” <email@address.net>
Date: 22 septembre 2006 05:38:03 HAEC
To: brianayres@tiscali.fr
Subject: Troy Myers aka Jeremy Scott

Hello Brian. I just came across your web site tribute to Troy Myers. Of
course I only ever knew him as Jeremy Scott. He was one of my first
fantasy men. Living in the midwestern United States as a gay teen in the
seventies, I had little access to gay erotica and lived in fear of any
actual contact with young men in those days, although it was what I wanted
most in retrospect. I turned 18 at the end of 1979 and bought my first
gay adult film sometime in 1980 or early 1981. That film was from Class
of 84 and it was just an 8mm outtake of the scene with Jeremy Scott and
Derrick Stanton having sex outdoors in Big Bear park. I think it ran
about 15 to 20 minutes. I watched that short film over and over. I can't
imagine how many times I must have played it. No sound, just the
clackity-clack of the 8mm film projector beaming the grainy picture on the
wall of my room. Of course I maximized my self pleasure with each
viewing. I always fantasized myself in the role of Derrick Stanton
sucking the beautiful cock of Jeremy Scott outdoors in Big Bear. When
VCRs became affordable I bought one and purchased the whole movie of Class
of 84 on video tape. I remember it was very expensive to buy an entire
adult film on video in those days. I was really moved by your tribute.
Even today, after all these years, I still have enjoyable memories of that
time from my younger days. I still think of that scene in Big Bear once
in a while. I'm so sorry Jeremy, really Troy, died so young. I had read
about it quite some time ago, but I don't remember where. Maybe on-line
or a gay film magazine. I have acquired many of the films he appeared in
over the years, but Class of 84 will always be one of my favorites because
it was the first one I ever saw him in. Thanks for sharing your memories
of Troy with the rest of us who admired him from afar. I live in Ohio,
not far from the Indiana state line. I've been to James Dean's gravesite
and I will visit there again. When I do, I will think of you and Troy
standing there together. Thanks again Brian. Regards…KEVIN

From: “Kevin” <email@address.net>
Date: 30 septembre 2006 18:37:11 HAEC
To: "brianayres@tiscali.fr" <brianayres@tiscali.fr>
Subject: Re:Troy Myers aka Jeremy Scott

Hi Brian. Thank you for the nice reply message. I would be pleased for
you to post the message if you like. I'm sure there are many others in
our age group who remember those early days of gay adult films and, of
course, Jeremy Scott. I wish I had known him. From reading your web site
postings, it sounds like he had his share of good and bad times as a young
person, just like the rest of us.

If you can, send me a link to the page where you post messages. I would
like to read what others have to say.

Thanks again for your message. KEVIN

From: "Lee" <email@address.com>
To: <brianayres@tiscali.fr>
Sent: Monday, 18 September, 2006 12:16:11 PM
Subject: Troy / Jeremy

Hello Brian,

My name is Lee and I belong to a Yahoo group and came across a listing for a Yahoo Group dedicated to Jeremy Scott:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/eroticicons-jeremyscott

I decided to do a Google Search and came across your website. I do not have a story, but I want to express my appreciation for your site. It is heart warming to know that someone cared enough to record your memories of jeremy and share them with the world. Too many porn actors have faded into history, barely a memory. We will never know what kind of person they were.

Most Appreciatively,

Lee (SF,CA)

If you, dear reader, have anything to share or even respond to, please do send an email: brianayres@tiscali.fr